Aries
Don't trust anyone today. Stay inside until today is all over and done with. Don't trust this horoscope either. Just don't - 'kay, dollfaces?
Taurus
Your moon showed Uranus. Also, expect love. Pro'lly in the form of a tall, ginger stranger. (except you Jenniston, and Renee Zellweger and Sheryl Crow.)
Gemini
As the sign of the twins, you will discover that not everything happens in twos. Yes, you CAN raise one eyebrow by itself - but tragically, not the other. This will aggravate you, and you'll spend the majority of the day in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to correct the situation
Also, an argument involving your Siamese cat will be best handled before your daily medication until the 29th.
Cancer
Your planetary-inspired rudeness may cost close friendships, especially as it is no longer possible for you to keep a secret. Any secrets you were told before your change just come flooding out at the slightest provocation. Even a cup of camomile tea could trigger it if combined with a brumby's cupcake after the Full Moon.
Leo
Today brings out the lion in you, Leo. You will have a toasted cheese and ham sandwich today, AND a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your toastie in it. Grrrrrr, go wild baby!
Virgo
Mercury entering the Saturnian moons indicates a sudden penchant for house cleaning. Dusting, polishing, vacuuming and even small house repairs are all well-starred. Don't get cocky and overstretch yourself. If the TV picture starts going fuzzy, let the rooftip aerial be. Remember - curiosity killed the cat. And Rod Hull, sweat-pusses.
Libra
You will discover a new love. A love of melting stuff. (And conversely, you will dislike stuff that doesn't melt. Ka-peesh?)
Scorpio
Wheelchair-bound Scorpionions will be inexplicably drawn to Indy car racing - or downhill, dry land tobogganing. Follow your new craazy instinct from the 18th, dahlinks.
Sagittarius
Conversations about subjects you know nothing at all about are well starred on the 14th.
Cleaning upstairs windows are particularly well starred, especially if you have invested in a new cloth and bucket.
Capricorn
You will loose the abilitee too spelle.
Aquarius
Watch out for toilet seats, as you will get pregnant on Saturday. Seventh time lucky for those on IVF, sweat-pusses!
Pisces
Avoid dealings with money - or cardboard.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Auditions for the role of Tom Cruise’s beard!
Mwwah sweety-kins round the world,
Peris here!
And yes, that’s right.
To be the wife of the largest closet case in America, you have to be an A or B-lister, and STILL have to audition. Quelle horreur!
Anyroads, the gorgeous Katie Holmes was one of many actresses who were considered worthy to even audition for the role of Tom Cruise’s “wife", according to ex-Scientologist Marc Headley.
Headley - who used to produce promotional films for the “religion”, claims that the lovely Katie was set up for Cruise by Scientnutolgist, David Miscavige, after Cruise and Penelope Cruz broke up in 2004.
Headley told UK tabloid News of the World: "After that (breakup with Penelope Cruz), he started complaining to his best buddy David about his luck with girls."
I mean heck, c'mon people. I thought gay guys had a good rapport with women ??????
Headley revealed that Miscavige assigned a high-ranking official with the order: ‘Find a wife for Tom Cruise.’
A casting call went out to female actresses, including Scientologists, saying, ‘There’s an upcoming Tom Cruise movie you might get a part in. Come for an audition.’
But in the end no movie was made. Like, go figure!
They had to be single, they had to be pretty and in their 20s.
(Me and lil sis Nicky also got the Scienutella message on our ansaphone - but luckily, I was hooked up with Smeato at the time.)
Anyhows, first they rounded up Scientology gals like Erika Christensen, Erica Howard and Sofia Milos. But they were all rejected.
Cruise apparently really wanted Ben Affleck's squeeze, Jennifer Garner, but she’s not so dumb, and didn’t take the bait.
Headley told the News of the Screws: “They went for Jennifer Garner, Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Alba, in that order.
"They came up with the same plan. Jennifer and Jessica didn’t bite but Scarlett took the bait and came in for an audition.
"When she arrived at the audition address and found out it was the Scientology Center in Hollywood she freaked out and didn’t do a tape…
"So they worked the audition tape on Katie, got her to LA and introduced her to Tom.
"The moment he meets her, he’s enthralled with her and he told Miscavige later, ‘I knew immediately she was the one.’ "
I guarantee it’s because her hair matched his.
You, know. For his beard.
No word on how she was turned into a robot after the contract, err sorry, I meant marriage.
But watch this space sweat-pusses. Looks like Headley is singing like a canary.
Till next time,
Perisxxx
Peris here!
And yes, that’s right.
To be the wife of the largest closet case in America, you have to be an A or B-lister, and STILL have to audition. Quelle horreur!
Anyroads, the gorgeous Katie Holmes was one of many actresses who were considered worthy to even audition for the role of Tom Cruise’s “wife", according to ex-Scientologist Marc Headley.
Headley - who used to produce promotional films for the “religion”, claims that the lovely Katie was set up for Cruise by Scientnutolgist, David Miscavige, after Cruise and Penelope Cruz broke up in 2004.
Headley told UK tabloid News of the World: "After that (breakup with Penelope Cruz), he started complaining to his best buddy David about his luck with girls."
I mean heck, c'mon people. I thought gay guys had a good rapport with women ??????
Headley revealed that Miscavige assigned a high-ranking official with the order: ‘Find a wife for Tom Cruise.’
A casting call went out to female actresses, including Scientologists, saying, ‘There’s an upcoming Tom Cruise movie you might get a part in. Come for an audition.’
But in the end no movie was made. Like, go figure!
They had to be single, they had to be pretty and in their 20s.
(Me and lil sis Nicky also got the Scienutella message on our ansaphone - but luckily, I was hooked up with Smeato at the time.)
Anyhows, first they rounded up Scientology gals like Erika Christensen, Erica Howard and Sofia Milos. But they were all rejected.
Cruise apparently really wanted Ben Affleck's squeeze, Jennifer Garner, but she’s not so dumb, and didn’t take the bait.
Headley told the News of the Screws: “They went for Jennifer Garner, Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Alba, in that order.
"They came up with the same plan. Jennifer and Jessica didn’t bite but Scarlett took the bait and came in for an audition.
"When she arrived at the audition address and found out it was the Scientology Center in Hollywood she freaked out and didn’t do a tape…
"So they worked the audition tape on Katie, got her to LA and introduced her to Tom.
"The moment he meets her, he’s enthralled with her and he told Miscavige later, ‘I knew immediately she was the one.’ "
I guarantee it’s because her hair matched his.
You, know. For his beard.
No word on how she was turned into a robot after the contract, err sorry, I meant marriage.
But watch this space sweat-pusses. Looks like Headley is singing like a canary.
Till next time,
Perisxxx
Monday, March 17, 2008
St Patrick's Day gag
Dollfaces,I couldn't let the biggest day in the calendar go by without a decent St Paddy's Day joke...so here goes, my little munchkins. Peris xxx
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why to be sure," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
"You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland," says the first bloke.
"Why not," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man continues: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," mutters the 2nd guy.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Great, why not!" replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "So, what school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," says the second chap. "I graduated in '62."
"This is UNBELIEVABLE!" the first bloke says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
Just then, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Ach, nothing much," he chirrups. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
Saturday, March 15, 2008
If people don't like me ... eat hot doody!
Hello my juicy pussies!
Peris here - with more sugar n spice from Hilton towers.
Aint'cha just sick to death of having 'Jenniston' rammed down your throat as the all-American-apple-pie-why- didn't-Brad-want-to-make-babies-with-me, gal?
I, for one, am fed-up to the back dentures with it, Peris-ites.
I'm gonna throw caution to the wind, and say what everyone here in Hollyrude is thinking - but is too afraid to say.
Girlfriend, he just wasn't that into you, 'kay?
So move on, and stop makin' out with all these confirmed bachelors, wannabe actors-cum-playboys and gbfs (gay best friends).
British actor Omid Djalili. who co-starred with her ex-hub unit in the movie Spy Game back in 2000, came out and said that Brad Pitt "despised" Jenniston after just six weeks of marriage.
He reportedly told the UK's Daily Express rag: "I did a scene with Brad in the back of a taxi and it was only a few days after he had married Jennifer.
"I chatted to him for hours giving him advice about the three stages of marriage.
"Stage one is perfection - blind love.
"Stage two is the difficult stage because you start to despise everything about her.
"If you can deal with the baggage you can possibly get to stage three - a harmonious marriage."
After six weeks, our man with the inside track claims: "Brad said, 'I'm definitely in stage two, Omid!' "
Now that Easter is nearly on us you should be organising the Easter egg hunt, Jenny, not putting those eggs on ice waiting for Mr Fertiliser to come along.
Some things just are not meant to be, chick-a-dee. Ka-peesh?
Same goes for you, Ms Kylie 'I'm-so-unlucky-in-love' Minogue.
The so-called pop princess is frankly, a pile of steaming, hot doody.
Bland asinine voice, tuneless, repetitive music - jeez, her voice is so goddam breathy and whiney, I can't stand it.
Sure, she has a cute booty and je t'aime sa gold hotpants.
Sheesh - those tiny touche covers should entitle her arse to its own goddam imprint on Hollywood's Walk of Fame
But this antipodean sell-out has also botoxed herself into oblivion, so that she is now a cross between Joan Rivers, Yootha Joyce and the Bride of Wildenstein.
Stop alreadys with the surgery Kyles. 'Kay?
And try and stick with the more natural look. Think Nicole Kidman or Meg Ryan if you need more inspiration on how to get that beautiful, but natural look. (It's difficult to pull off, but it can be done, hon!)
And just as our other friend 'Jenniston' had to find out the hard way, EVERYBODY (even Mr Ooh-la-la Olivier Martini, Kyles) goes weak at the knees in the presence of the business end of 'Brangelina'.
Those guys just thought, hey? What's not to like?
Blood in vials hanging round the neck? Good.
Prison-chic tatts? Good.
Addicted to collecting kids? Goooood.
How the hell could Kyles and Jenniston compete with that hot mama, huh???
Till next time... the horny (tatt-free) heiress, Peris xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Peris here - with more sugar n spice from Hilton towers.
Aint'cha just sick to death of having 'Jenniston' rammed down your throat as the all-American-apple-pie-why- didn't-Brad-want-to-make-babies-with-me, gal?
I, for one, am fed-up to the back dentures with it, Peris-ites.
I'm gonna throw caution to the wind, and say what everyone here in Hollyrude is thinking - but is too afraid to say.
Girlfriend, he just wasn't that into you, 'kay?
So move on, and stop makin' out with all these confirmed bachelors, wannabe actors-cum-playboys and gbfs (gay best friends).
British actor Omid Djalili. who co-starred with her ex-hub unit in the movie Spy Game back in 2000, came out and said that Brad Pitt "despised" Jenniston after just six weeks of marriage.
He reportedly told the UK's Daily Express rag: "I did a scene with Brad in the back of a taxi and it was only a few days after he had married Jennifer.
"I chatted to him for hours giving him advice about the three stages of marriage.
"Stage one is perfection - blind love.
"Stage two is the difficult stage because you start to despise everything about her.
"If you can deal with the baggage you can possibly get to stage three - a harmonious marriage."
After six weeks, our man with the inside track claims: "Brad said, 'I'm definitely in stage two, Omid!' "
Now that Easter is nearly on us you should be organising the Easter egg hunt, Jenny, not putting those eggs on ice waiting for Mr Fertiliser to come along.
Some things just are not meant to be, chick-a-dee. Ka-peesh?
Same goes for you, Ms Kylie 'I'm-so-unlucky-in-love' Minogue.
The so-called pop princess is frankly, a pile of steaming, hot doody.
Bland asinine voice, tuneless, repetitive music - jeez, her voice is so goddam breathy and whiney, I can't stand it.
Sure, she has a cute booty and je t'aime sa gold hotpants.
Sheesh - those tiny touche covers should entitle her arse to its own goddam imprint on Hollywood's Walk of Fame
But this antipodean sell-out has also botoxed herself into oblivion, so that she is now a cross between Joan Rivers, Yootha Joyce and the Bride of Wildenstein.
Stop alreadys with the surgery Kyles. 'Kay?
And try and stick with the more natural look. Think Nicole Kidman or Meg Ryan if you need more inspiration on how to get that beautiful, but natural look. (It's difficult to pull off, but it can be done, hon!)
And just as our other friend 'Jenniston' had to find out the hard way, EVERYBODY (even Mr Ooh-la-la Olivier Martini, Kyles) goes weak at the knees in the presence of the business end of 'Brangelina'.
Those guys just thought, hey? What's not to like?
Blood in vials hanging round the neck? Good.
Prison-chic tatts? Good.
Addicted to collecting kids? Goooood.
How the hell could Kyles and Jenniston compete with that hot mama, huh???
Till next time... the horny (tatt-free) heiress, Peris xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Who's your daddy?
Sweaty-peeps,
Mwwah. Ding-dong, Peris calling.
I am just about ready to blog my sweet l'il touche OFF people.
Here goes...(focus, Peris, focus...) I was just about to announce my world exclusive on Minnie 'Why Won't Anyone Do me' Driver - and her being pregnant when goddam - that chick went right ahead and beat me to it.
Ferme la bouche, alreadys, girlfriend!!!
Anyhows, she told Jay Leno on Friday's The Tonight Show that she was 'with child'.
But the Moaning Minnie kept mum on who the daddy was.
Ssshh, don't tell anyone. But when my aura cleanser and spiritualist advisor, Anne Teak, popped round for a tete-a-tentacle, through the joss-stick haze was a clearly visible outline of that Mindfreak dude, Criss Angel.
I couldn't believe it, schmuckos. I mean, sheesh - who the hell would want Brit-Brit's cast-offs? Maaaaan. This chick really is unlucky-in-love. As if it ain't enough to be dumped by Matt Damon on TV...
Anyroads, the only way we'll know if Minnie's child is truly the spawn of Magical Sea-Douche Criss Angel, is if it's born wearing no less than 55 necklaces.
If there's only 54, all bets are off until we get a DNA sample from Mr. T.
Kapeesh?
Till next time. Mwwaaah, Perisxxxxxxxxxxx
Oops! She's doing it again.
Mwahh, my gorgeous sweat-pusses!
Hey, it's been like waaaay too long since I last blogged.
So, like, OK. Time to dish the deets on me and Smeaty-cakes.
Yep, we've now made like a banana and split, sweetcakes.
So, you can now start forming an orderly queue here, boys!!!!! :)
Although I've been snoozing, I most certainly haven't been losing... touch that is. With what's going down in Celebrity-Ville.
Now, my regular fans will know that the Hilton family has tenctacles everywhere.
If you think you got a secret? Forget it, sweetums.
Peris already has a manicured finger in your sweet-potato-pie announcement.
Y'all know how I hate stealing anyone's thunder, 'kay? But this one's just too juicy to keep in the jar.
A cheeky birdie at the uber-exclusive Portland Hospital in London town tells me that Lolllipop head, er... I mean Posh Spice, has an upcoming slot with celebrity childbirth expert, Dr Gillard?
Do we hear the patter of tiny Adidas soon, peeps?
I got ten bucks that says this one's another boy... whaddya think?
Perisxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hey, it's been like waaaay too long since I last blogged.
So, like, OK. Time to dish the deets on me and Smeaty-cakes.
Yep, we've now made like a banana and split, sweetcakes.
So, you can now start forming an orderly queue here, boys!!!!! :)
Although I've been snoozing, I most certainly haven't been losing... touch that is. With what's going down in Celebrity-Ville.
Now, my regular fans will know that the Hilton family has tenctacles everywhere.
If you think you got a secret? Forget it, sweetums.
Peris already has a manicured finger in your sweet-potato-pie announcement.
Y'all know how I hate stealing anyone's thunder, 'kay? But this one's just too juicy to keep in the jar.
A cheeky birdie at the uber-exclusive Portland Hospital in London town tells me that Lolllipop head, er... I mean Posh Spice, has an upcoming slot with celebrity childbirth expert, Dr Gillard?
Do we hear the patter of tiny Adidas soon, peeps?
I got ten bucks that says this one's another boy... whaddya think?
Perisxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Lavender marriages
Hola amigos!
...Those French lessons are really paying off, huh? I'm having a little bit of boy trouble this week. My hub-unit (he WISHES dollfaces), John Smeaton, proposed ... but sadly, I had to turn him down. Why -I hear you ask? Well I hate to be anti-disabilist, but he has one leg shorter than the other. And the shorter leg is a lot thinner than the fatter leg.
Now, you know me sweat-pusses. I like my male bits of rough, as much as the next Madonna. But the leg thing was just too much. Everytime we were in bed fooling around, I could see one set of toes poking outta the duvet while the other set was halfway up the other friggin' pyjama leg. It ain't a good look, sweat-pusses.
Anyweez, I asked my GBF (gay best friend) Dixon Cox how long should a man's legs be.
He said they should be just long enough to reach the ground.
I said, "What, both of them?" - and he said that was the ideal, but that anyone with my "problems" should just take whatever comes along.
As IF, doll-dos. Problems? Moi? Get outta here Dick!
Anyways, as y'all know, I ain't into perfection. There's nothing I hate more than a man who spends longer at the mirror than me, and who is plastic and fake. So I don't want to sound anti-disabled-special needs. I have a ton of Hollywood friends whose needs are special ... and NOOOO, did I say I waz talkin' 'bout you Linds? Or you Brit?
There's nothing worse than a big fat FAKE.
Unless it's a $10 Turkish "Gucchi" handbag or Taiwanese Christian Doh! shoes of course.
Of course, when I SMS-ed Smeatypoos to tell him that we, quite literally, need to be on a level playing field - and not look lopsided when we're standing still - he flipped out sweat-pusses.
He told me that despite the hurtful leg remark, he really, really loved me.
And then he blurted out that if I ditch him, I will end up with some random Hollyweird star (or politician !!! ??? Hello??? does he know me, or what???) that everybody else loves but who will be actively bearding up, making stupid statements and and using heterosexual press plants to hide their orientation on a daily basis. I mean, hullo ??
Just to prove the guy is talking a load of bull$hit I rhymed off a whole buncha people, who I, like, hang with any time I'm at Macho's or Micky's in WeHo. I think Smeatoid is wayyy to paranoid about the beautiful people I'm surrounded by.
Matt LeBlanc and Melissa McKnight
Kylie Minogue and Olivier Martinez
Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston
Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes
Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman
Ryan Philippe and Reese Witherspoon
Cheryl Cole and Ashley Cole
John Travolta and Kelly Preston
Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith
Liza Minnelli and David Gest
Michael Jackson and Lisa-Marie Presley
George Clooney and Lisa Snowden
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown
Jude Law and Sienna Miller
Eddie Murphy and Melanie Brown
Vanessa Paradis and Johnny Depp
Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore
Bruce Willis and Demi Moore
Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez
Richard Gere and Cindy Crawford
Kirstie Alley and Parker Stevenson
Tony Perkins and Berry Berenson
Richard Madeley and Judy Finnigan
...these are just a few of my lovely friends that came to mind.
But c'mon - not everybody in Hollyweird is gay, bi or bi-gay or les-gay, Smeaty-peeps, 'kay?
Ka-peesh? Sheesh.
And see you all The Bullet Bar this Friday for the toga party.
...Those French lessons are really paying off, huh? I'm having a little bit of boy trouble this week. My hub-unit (he WISHES dollfaces), John Smeaton, proposed ... but sadly, I had to turn him down. Why -I hear you ask? Well I hate to be anti-disabilist, but he has one leg shorter than the other. And the shorter leg is a lot thinner than the fatter leg.
Now, you know me sweat-pusses. I like my male bits of rough, as much as the next Madonna. But the leg thing was just too much. Everytime we were in bed fooling around, I could see one set of toes poking outta the duvet while the other set was halfway up the other friggin' pyjama leg. It ain't a good look, sweat-pusses.
Anyweez, I asked my GBF (gay best friend) Dixon Cox how long should a man's legs be.
He said they should be just long enough to reach the ground.
I said, "What, both of them?" - and he said that was the ideal, but that anyone with my "problems" should just take whatever comes along.
As IF, doll-dos. Problems? Moi? Get outta here Dick!
Anyways, as y'all know, I ain't into perfection. There's nothing I hate more than a man who spends longer at the mirror than me, and who is plastic and fake. So I don't want to sound anti-disabled-special needs. I have a ton of Hollywood friends whose needs are special ... and NOOOO, did I say I waz talkin' 'bout you Linds? Or you Brit?
There's nothing worse than a big fat FAKE.
Unless it's a $10 Turkish "Gucchi" handbag or Taiwanese Christian Doh! shoes of course.
Of course, when I SMS-ed Smeatypoos to tell him that we, quite literally, need to be on a level playing field - and not look lopsided when we're standing still - he flipped out sweat-pusses.
He told me that despite the hurtful leg remark, he really, really loved me.
And then he blurted out that if I ditch him, I will end up with some random Hollyweird star (or politician !!! ??? Hello??? does he know me, or what???) that everybody else loves but who will be actively bearding up, making stupid statements and and using heterosexual press plants to hide their orientation on a daily basis. I mean, hullo ??
Just to prove the guy is talking a load of bull$hit I rhymed off a whole buncha people, who I, like, hang with any time I'm at Macho's or Micky's in WeHo. I think Smeatoid is wayyy to paranoid about the beautiful people I'm surrounded by.
Matt LeBlanc and Melissa McKnight
Kylie Minogue and Olivier Martinez
Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston
Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes
Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman
Ryan Philippe and Reese Witherspoon
Cheryl Cole and Ashley Cole
John Travolta and Kelly Preston
Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith
Liza Minnelli and David Gest
Michael Jackson and Lisa-Marie Presley
George Clooney and Lisa Snowden
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown
Jude Law and Sienna Miller
Eddie Murphy and Melanie Brown
Vanessa Paradis and Johnny Depp
Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore
Bruce Willis and Demi Moore
Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez
Richard Gere and Cindy Crawford
Kirstie Alley and Parker Stevenson
Tony Perkins and Berry Berenson
Richard Madeley and Judy Finnigan
...these are just a few of my lovely friends that came to mind.
But c'mon - not everybody in Hollyweird is gay, bi or bi-gay or les-gay, Smeaty-peeps, 'kay?
Ka-peesh? Sheesh.
And see you all The Bullet Bar this Friday for the toga party.
Peris xxxx
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
