Horrorscopes

Aries
Don't trust anyone today. Stay inside until today is all over and done with. Don't trust this horoscope either. Just don't - 'kay, dollfaces?

Taurus
Your moon showed Uranus. Also, expect love. Pro'lly in the form of a tall, ginger stranger. (except you Jenniston, and Renee Zellweger and Sheryl Crow.)

Gemini
As the sign of the twins, you will discover that not everything happens in twos. Yes, you CAN raise one eyebrow by itself - but tragically, not the other. This will aggravate you, and you'll spend the majority of the day in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to correct the situation
Also, an argument involving your Siamese cat will be best handled before your daily medication until the 29th.

Cancer
Your planetary-inspired rudeness may cost close friendships, especially as it is no longer possible for you to keep a secret. Any secrets you were told before your change just come flooding out at the slightest provocation. Even a cup of camomile tea could trigger it if combined with a brumby's cupcake after the Full Moon.

Leo
Today brings out the lion in you, Leo. You will have a toasted cheese and ham sandwich today, AND a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your toastie in it. Grrrrrr, go wild baby!

Virgo
Mercury entering the Saturnian moons indicates a sudden penchant for house cleaning. Dusting, polishing, vacuuming and even small house repairs are all well-starred. Don't get cocky and overstretch yourself. If the TV picture starts going fuzzy, let the rooftip aerial be. Remember - curiosity killed the cat. And Rod Hull, sweat-pusses.

Libra
You will discover a new love. A love of melting stuff. (And conversely, you will dislike stuff that doesn't melt. Ka-peesh?)

Scorpio
Wheelchair-bound Scorpionions will be inexplicably drawn to Indy car racing - or downhill, dry land tobogganing. Follow your new craazy instinct from the 18th, dahlinks.

Sagittarius
Conversations about subjects you know nothing at all about are well starred on the 14th.
Cleaning upstairs windows are particularly well starred, especially if you have invested in a new cloth and bucket.

Capricorn
You will loose the abilitee too spelle.

Aquarius
Watch out for toilet seats, as you will get pregnant on Saturday. Seventh time lucky for those on IVF, sweat-pusses!

Pisces
Avoid dealings with money - or cardboard.