Peris here - with more sugar n spice from Hilton towers.
Aint'cha just sick to death of having 'Jenniston' rammed down your throat as the all-American-apple-pie-why- didn't-Brad-want-to-make-babies-with-me, gal?
I, for one, am fed-up to the back dentures with it, Peris-ites.
I'm gonna throw caution to the wind, and say what everyone here in Hollyrude is thinking - but is too afraid to say.
Girlfriend, he just wasn't that into you, 'kay?
So move on, and stop makin' out with all these confirmed bachelors, wannabe actors-cum-playboys and gbfs (gay best friends).
British actor Omid Djalili. who co-starred with her ex-hub unit in the movie Spy Game back in 2000, came out and said that Brad Pitt "despised" Jenniston after just six weeks of marriage.
He reportedly told the UK's Daily Express rag: "I did a scene with Brad in the back of a taxi and it was only a few days after he had married Jennifer.
"I chatted to him for hours giving him advice about the three stages of marriage.
"Stage one is perfection - blind love.
"Stage two is the difficult stage because you start to despise everything about her.
"If you can deal with the baggage you can possibly get to stage three - a harmonious marriage."
After six weeks, our man with the inside track claims: "Brad said, 'I'm definitely in stage two, Omid!' "
Now that Easter is nearly on us you should be organising the Easter egg hunt, Jenny, not putting those eggs on ice waiting for Mr Fertiliser to come along.
Some things just are not meant to be, chick-a-dee. Ka-peesh?
Same goes for you, Ms Kylie 'I'm-so-unlucky-in-love' Minogue.
The so-called pop princess is frankly, a pile of steaming, hot doody.
Bland asinine voice, tuneless, repetitive music - jeez, her voice is so goddam breathy and whiney, I can't stand it.
Sure, she has a cute booty and je t'aime sa gold hotpants.
Sheesh - those tiny touche covers should entitle her arse to its own goddam imprint on Hollywood's Walk of Fame
But this antipodean sell-out has also botoxed herself into oblivion, so that she is now a cross between Joan Rivers, Yootha Joyce and the Bride of Wildenstein.
Stop alreadys with the surgery Kyles. 'Kay?
And try and stick with the more natural look. Think Nicole Kidman or Meg Ryan if you need more inspiration on how to get that beautiful, but natural look. (It's difficult to pull off, but it can be done, hon!)
And just as our other friend 'Jenniston' had to find out the hard way, EVERYBODY (even Mr Ooh-la-la Olivier Martini, Kyles) goes weak at the knees in the presence of the business end of 'Brangelina'.
Those guys just thought, hey? What's not to like?
Blood in vials hanging round the neck? Good.
Prison-chic tatts? Good.
Addicted to collecting kids? Goooood.
How the hell could Kyles and Jenniston compete with that hot mama, huh???
Till next time... the horny (tatt-free) heiress, Peris xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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