...Those French lessons are really paying off, huh? I'm having a little bit of boy trouble this week. My hub-unit (he WISHES dollfaces), John Smeaton, proposed ... but sadly, I had to turn him down. Why -I hear you ask? Well I hate to be anti-disabilist, but he has one leg shorter than the other. And the shorter leg is a lot thinner than the fatter leg.
Now, you know me sweat-pusses. I like my male bits of rough, as much as the next Madonna. But the leg thing was just too much. Everytime we were in bed fooling around, I could see one set of toes poking outta the duvet while the other set was halfway up the other friggin' pyjama leg. It ain't a good look, sweat-pusses.
Anyweez, I asked my GBF (gay best friend) Dixon Cox how long should a man's legs be.
He said they should be just long enough to reach the ground.
I said, "What, both of them?" - and he said that was the ideal, but that anyone with my "problems" should just take whatever comes along.
As IF, doll-dos. Problems? Moi? Get outta here Dick!
Anyways, as y'all know, I ain't into perfection. There's nothing I hate more than a man who spends longer at the mirror than me, and who is plastic and fake. So I don't want to sound anti-disabled-special needs. I have a ton of Hollywood friends whose needs are special ... and NOOOO, did I say I waz talkin' 'bout you Linds? Or you Brit?
There's nothing worse than a big fat FAKE.
Unless it's a $10 Turkish "Gucchi" handbag or Taiwanese Christian Doh! shoes of course.
Of course, when I SMS-ed Smeatypoos to tell him that we, quite literally, need to be on a level playing field - and not look lopsided when we're standing still - he flipped out sweat-pusses.
He told me that despite the hurtful leg remark, he really, really loved me.
And then he blurted out that if I ditch him, I will end up with some random Hollyweird star (or politician !!! ??? Hello??? does he know me, or what???) that everybody else loves but who will be actively bearding up, making stupid statements and and using heterosexual press plants to hide their orientation on a daily basis. I mean, hullo ??
Just to prove the guy is talking a load of bull$hit I rhymed off a whole buncha people, who I, like, hang with any time I'm at Macho's or Micky's in WeHo. I think Smeatoid is wayyy to paranoid about the beautiful people I'm surrounded by.
Matt LeBlanc and Melissa McKnight
Kylie Minogue and Olivier Martinez
Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston
Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes
Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman
Ryan Philippe and Reese Witherspoon
Cheryl Cole and Ashley Cole
John Travolta and Kelly Preston
Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith
Liza Minnelli and David Gest
Michael Jackson and Lisa-Marie Presley
George Clooney and Lisa Snowden
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown
Jude Law and Sienna Miller
Eddie Murphy and Melanie Brown
Vanessa Paradis and Johnny Depp
Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore
Bruce Willis and Demi Moore
Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez
Richard Gere and Cindy Crawford
Kirstie Alley and Parker Stevenson
Tony Perkins and Berry Berenson
Richard Madeley and Judy Finnigan
...these are just a few of my lovely friends that came to mind.
But c'mon - not everybody in Hollyweird is gay, bi or bi-gay or les-gay, Smeaty-peeps, 'kay?
Ka-peesh? Sheesh.
And see you all The Bullet Bar this Friday for the toga party.
Peris xxxx
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