Lavender marriages

Hola amigos!

...Those French lessons are really paying off, huh? I'm having a little bit of boy trouble this week. My hub-unit (he WISHES dollfaces), John Smeaton, proposed ... but sadly, I had to turn him down. Why -I hear you ask? Well I hate to be anti-disabilist, but he has one leg shorter than the other. And the shorter leg is a lot thinner than the fatter leg.

Now, you know me sweat-pusses. I like my male bits of rough, as much as the next Madonna. But the leg thing was just too much. Everytime we were in bed fooling around, I could see one set of toes poking outta the duvet while the other set was halfway up the other friggin' pyjama leg. It ain't a good look, sweat-pusses.

Anyweez, I asked my GBF (gay best friend) Dixon Cox how long should a man's legs be.
He said they should be just long enough to reach the ground.
I said, "What, both of them?" - and he said that was the ideal, but that anyone with my "problems" should just take whatever comes along.
As IF, doll-dos. Problems? Moi? Get outta here Dick!

Anyways, as y'all know, I ain't into perfection. There's nothing I hate more than a man who spends longer at the mirror than me, and who is plastic and fake. So I don't want to sound anti-disabled-special needs. I have a ton of Hollywood friends whose needs are special ... and NOOOO, did I say I waz talkin' 'bout you Linds? Or you Brit?

There's nothing worse than a big fat FAKE.
Unless it's a $10 Turkish "Gucchi" handbag or Taiwanese Christian Doh! shoes of course.

Of course, when I SMS-ed Smeatypoos to tell him that we, quite literally, need to be on a level playing field - and not look lopsided when we're standing still - he flipped out sweat-pusses.

He told me that despite the hurtful leg remark, he really, really loved me.

And then he blurted out that if I ditch him, I will end up with some random Hollyweird star (or politician !!! ??? Hello??? does he know me, or what???) that everybody else loves but who will be actively bearding up, making stupid statements and and using heterosexual press plants to hide their orientation on a daily basis. I mean, hullo ??

Just to prove the guy is talking a load of bull$hit I rhymed off a whole buncha people, who I, like, hang with any time I'm at Macho's or Micky's in WeHo. I think Smeatoid is wayyy to paranoid about the beautiful people I'm surrounded by.

Matt LeBlanc and Melissa McKnight

Kylie Minogue and Olivier Martinez

Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston

Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes

Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman

Ryan Philippe and Reese Witherspoon

Cheryl Cole and Ashley Cole

John Travolta and Kelly Preston

Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith

Liza Minnelli and David Gest

Michael Jackson and Lisa-Marie Presley

George Clooney and Lisa Snowden

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie

Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown

Jude Law and Sienna Miller

Eddie Murphy and Melanie Brown

Vanessa Paradis and Johnny Depp

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore

Bruce Willis and Demi Moore

Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez

Richard Gere and Cindy Crawford

Kirstie Alley and Parker Stevenson

Tony Perkins and Berry Berenson

Richard Madeley and Judy Finnigan

...these are just a few of my lovely friends that came to mind.

But c'mon - not everybody in Hollyweird is gay, bi or bi-gay or les-gay, Smeaty-peeps, 'kay?

Ka-peesh? Sheesh.

And see you all The Bullet Bar this Friday for the toga party.

Peris xxxx

Paris Hilton plea: Have you see my dog?

MISSING

LOST DOG — HAVE YOU SEEN HER?

Age: 3 in dog years

Weight: Anorexic

Eyes: Dilated

Coat: Spotted/Freckled

Breed: Freckle-Bellied Cokewhore Terrier

My dog was last seen on the morning of July 24, 2007 chasing cars in Santa Monica. She will answer to the call of: Lilo, Badass, Lo Hoe and Dime Bags (two for 10 bucks!)

She was also last seen carrying her favourite toy in her teeth, a little white bag I call her “doggy bag”, and was wearing her favourite black ankle bracelet.

Please come home!!!

If you have any information, please call 000, or Peris Hotline.

(All the change in my couch will be offered for the information leading to the safe return of my dog.)

Peris xxx

Elvis: the Karate Kid

Since it's the 30th anniv since Elvis took off to that big, smoky blues bar in the sky thought I'd let you in on a few secrets about this weird, hamburger-lovin' racist. Here goes...

No 1. Elvis was obsessed with philosophy.

No 2. By the 1970s, his obsession with philosophy had morphed into one with karate.

No 3. Elvis' frequent Vegas shows became punctuated by weird monologues, karate exhibitions and comedy.

No 4. One was like, soooo bad, he rode on stage on the back of the Mafia man Lamar Fike with a toy monkey attached to his neck and sang an X-rated version of Love Me Tender.

Betcha didn't know that, sweat-pusses :)

Adios my lovelies.... Peris xxx

Tango man

Mwwwwah darlinks, Peris here again.

Just back from my hols to Edinborough. Or Embra, as they say in Scotch-land. Been enjoying some Scotch lovin' with my new pash, John "smeato" Smeaton - the scourge of Osama Bin Laden.

Anyhowz, while I was in Scotchland visiting Smeaty-cakes I happened to take in a show at the Edinburgh Festival.

We checked out a chat show from an ex-politician, Tommy Sheridan, who the audience kept heckling with: "Gie us a can o' Tango, Tommy!"
(Not sure what that means, puss-faces ... ain't Scotch people weird!)

...Was like sooooo puzzled by this strange, orangey freak's show, I decided to Google his ass. Every other story I found seemed more outrageous than the last, with headlines like: "Sex-Mad Tommy" or, "Tommy Snorted Cocaine" and"Tommy Drops His Briefs".

Hmmm, I thought. Maybes I just GOTTA meet this guy - maybe Smeatoid's gettin a bit Z-list for an international playgirl like moi, ka-peesh?

Next thing I knew, the orange wonder had me EVERY (and I mean EVERY dahlinks) which way in his green room. Sheesh.

He is packin’ large and knows how to use his equipment. Able to fill out Gold Trojan Magnums XL, he serves it straight up and damn good. What with that, and an impressive array of "accessories" we made more than whoopee, goddamit. I wasn't able to walk the line for the rest of the week.

Gross me out with an industrial-size bottle of KY-409, already. Goddamn.

Loony left? More like do me Right mister. Phew. Is it gettin' hot in heere? Or is it just me?

(Don't tell Smeats, Peris cheated, 'kay? Whatta piece of ass.)

Till next time, pussies... Peris xxxx

Cruisin' for a bruisin'

Mwwah dahlings - Peris here.

Glad to see Tom Cruise could be about to make it off my Stink List with his new movie, Valkyrie.

Have to say sweetums, holding a little golden fellow aloft in his hand (and no, I don't mean Michael J Fox honeyz) is still light years away - despite his first real "outing" as a bad guy.

Check out this picture I've posted. Sinister? More like the Village People.

Till next time sweety-cakes...Peris x