A great big mmwahhh from Hilton HQ. Yes, Peris here - spread-eagled and ready to blog my touche off. What else is there in life, danglings?
OK people - now you know how my 'starveillance' credentials are second-to-none, what with me being so well-connected in Celebritywood? Well, the best bit about being Peris is the trust the 'A' listers place in me.
Yep, a seductive glance and a quick grope in the Hilton limo is all it takes for those tight-asses to spill the beans to lil old me. (Shaddup ALREADY, Hugh Hefner - I know that webcam was aimed right at the hole in my pantyhose.)
Anyroads, that's how cum I get the lowdown on the real behind-the-scenes bust-ups, dummy spits and downright bitchiness that'd make even the biggest celebrity potty-mouths blush. You WISH that was you, Anne Robinson and Gordon Ramsay! Ferme la bushes, alreadys!
You are the weakest link - goodbye.
No, those guys are like Nancy Drew's baby sisters compared to some of the celeb tantrums I've been whispered about.
Anyway, you gorgeous Peris-lovers. I want you to cum all over me with your most-requested bitch-fests...and I will tell you how real/unreal/underplayed your nominated miaow really was, 'kay?
Mommy-dearest sez the cat-fight between Joan Crawford and Bette Davis was legendary - they didn't just pretend-fight in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?, they REALLY hated each others' guts, people. Not like the way me and Nicole R staged our fight for ratings. No sirree. That was when people knew how to argue, right? Like back in the 70s.
But my lil sis Nic says Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump's spat has to be the all-time greatest punch-up.
As my followers will know, The Trumpster spat the dummy big-time after Big Rosie made comments regarding the Wigster allowing Miss USA 2006, Tara Conner, to keep her crown after failing a drug test. Apparently, Nic says they had to be held apart at a recent charity event - no-one was hurt in the incident, but a certain someone's acrylic accessory never quite made it into the backstage dressing room intact!
Personelly, I just loooove the shit that flew between Naomi Campbell and Tyra Banks; and Naomi Campbell and Victoria 'Tits' Beckham; and Naomi Campbell and Nelson Mandela, Naomi Campbell and various nameless, couldn't-care-less PAs; and Naomi and Mike Tyson. Pigeons learn faster, dollfaces.
I'd like to see her mud-wrestle a real opponent though. I think Anna Wintour or maybe even that other dumb, British broad - Anne Robinson - could reduce that stupid-assed-clothes-horse-with-attitude into a pile of blubbering Jello-o with just a stare and a wave of a crooked middle finger.
Anyways, send in your celeb spats to me on my comments section (don't even GO there Yoko, 'kay? You whiney, crack-addicted egotist.)
I’m sorry John, we know you were a working-class hero and all that, a bit of a revolutionary dead-set against war, but no one really believed it was your idea to lie in bed in your own shit and piss for a week. It was hers, goddamit.
And that’s not art Yoko, it’s just fucking stupid.
I'll tell you why I hate the screeching, plastic-faced little harriden for: for using her hold over John Lennon while he was alive, and for constantly appearing like the shopkeeper from Mr Benn whenever her late husband’s name is mentioned, for the sole purpose of promoting her own pathetic, miserable attempts at what she and the rest of the pseud-loving, goatee-bearded world of wankers think they can palm off on the public as “art”.
Let's face it sweat-pusses, without the First Man of Pop she would be nothing more than a fourth-rate pap, and street performer that everyone pitied for being a little bit simple and just a little bit sad. Yoko Ono - just give it up will you, and ram it? And take your toga with you alreadys!!!
The best nomination -and best critique of a celeb spat will win a personal visit from me in the nude (naturellement!) and may even get a free blow. (Don't even bother entering Jack-y Osbourne...been there, done that, jizzed all over the Tee-shirt, ka-peesh?)Peris xxxx
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