Boney M

MMMMMwah dahlings.
Peris here.

Since I've been a free woman, my star is definitely on the ascendancy, ka-peesh?

I've had Tad Pole from Vogue, Paige Turner of NY Post, Dan Druff from CNN, Lance Boyle from SBS, Kandi Apple from the San Fran Chron AND the Dalai Lama and all these like, wow, HUGE names in journalism ring my agent desperate for lil old me to come out of the closet and reveal all.

(As if, peaches-hon. A girl's gotta know when to keep some things private, right? )

Anyhows, while I was in solitary, I was like TOTALLY cut off from the outside world, with no clue of what was with news and current affairs, like ... was Britney hot 'n' heavy with K-Fed again? (Hope not - she sure don't need that gold-diggin' white trash pulling her princessa butt into the gutter.) And my old gal pal, Nicole Richie - has she gotta bun in the oven? All the big-ticket stuff... Whatev!

Anyways, I was thumbing thru the last copies of Nat Enquirer and OK! who had the nerve to keep publishing while I was going through hell in a cell (how they managed to find enough news and pictures to fill their pages while I was in the big house, well, I shuh will never know.)

I thumbed through the mags while I was in the waiting room of my aura cleanser and spiritualist advisor, Anne Teak.

She is like, a hundred and 70, and is a spooky old British lady with a hotline to the other side.

And goddamit, she is such an old gasbag. But she did say that since my release, I would be a woman on a mission to spread The Word.

Yes, I am on a mission (according to Teaky's runes) to transform the world from zeros to heroes - in the fashion stakes!

My first mission is to take on some British woman and tell her what the hell not to wear. (Why oh why do British women dress like such frumps?....hmmm? Ms Kate Winslet and Ms Sienna Miller? Yup, yours truly has never been into Yo-Yo diets, or leaving the house without making sure my eyebrows matched my hairline) .

Anytimes, her name is Tranny Woodall, or something, and she styles herself as a British Anna Wintour. As IF, dahlings. Anyroads, to see the gargantuan task that lies ahead of me, check out these pix I've posted of her to my blog.

(Tranny on the right.)

Sheesh. Those bones. Those bingo wings. (Cover your ears now Nicole - no offence directed at you sweetie - you're the only girl I know who can pull off Boney M chic.)

And while we're on a roll with making over our gal pals across the Pond, it's never a good look to go cruising with your mom, Beatrice. 'Cept for me of course... that poor girl. Imagine - being known for just being a par-tae girl - and now her daughter is going the same way. Yep, this mom-and-child pair-up got me thinking, it's like the Gastineau Girls but without the N-Why-See attitude and wisecracks.

Till next time dollfaces... Peris x

PS> Booty and the Beach post will be coming to you soon. Just as soon as Teaky has cleansed my aura of the prison carbolic soap. Goddamn.